Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
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The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.