Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
You Might Also Like
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other