just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
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*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
when dads have a rap battle
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first