Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
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When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
A French press is when you hug naked
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.