Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
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I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal