Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
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if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.