Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
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person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy