Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
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it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.