Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
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I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts