Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
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Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
True freaking story!
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
the three genders
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.