Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
You Might Also Like
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no