Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
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My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them