Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
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It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
When I snag the last meatball.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Meth is short for Elizameth.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.