Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
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[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.