Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
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Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
🙄😏😂🤣
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”