Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

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If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.


Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”


Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.


Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad


I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.


It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.


i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value


I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.