Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
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The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Challenge accepted.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
This tweet has been deleted
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish