Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
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BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
*ernest hemingway voice*
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor