Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
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Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same