just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
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Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
the #horror is real!
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart