Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
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One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
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They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
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love pickles so much i put myself in one
The legends were true
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me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Whisper out to librarians!
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.