Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
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I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Oh no
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
do horses think humans are hats
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.