Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
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worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry