Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
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Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.