Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
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You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I’m going to need a moment here.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.