Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
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is the plural of judas judasses or judi
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
A friend sent me this.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
*lint rolls you awake*
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
who wants to go expliring
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: