Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
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Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.