Just why bro?!
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She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
i’m still crying at this
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.