just witnessed a drug deal
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What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.