@RichardDreyfuss You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
@drubicabra Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
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@RichardDreyfuss 
@noog If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
@stewnami Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
@HomeProbably Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
@DurtMcHurtt Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
@NYC_Blonde Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
@FormerHumorist “Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
@mommy_cusses Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
@XplodingUnicorn Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
@fightgeek cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy