@AnkCoupleTO I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
@drubicabra Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
You Might Also Like
@AnkCoupleTO 
@deephora_ A woman drives into a bar.
@TheAlexNevil What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
@pseudofauxme C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
@Norsebysw “You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
@Fred_Delicious Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
@TheAlexNevil My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
@Six_Pack_Mom Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
@TheAlexNevil “A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
@BuddWest Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.