I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
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A woman drives into a bar.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”
What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.