Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

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You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.


If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.


Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.


Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.


Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.


Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…


Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.


Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.


cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy