Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
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*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”