@drubicabra

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

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@AnkCoupleTO

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

@TheAlexNevil

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

@Norsebysw

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

@Fred_Delicious

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

@TheAlexNevil

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

@Six_Pack_Mom

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

@TheAlexNevil

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

@BuddWest

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.