Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
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Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
and now we wait