Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
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My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Lol
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Mistakes were made
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.