@TitaniumToplass

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

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@DevilryFun

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

@hansabumsadaisy

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

@WheelTod

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

@sicsimptyrannis

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

@simoncholland

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

@StymieBrewer

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

@crashtestdrummy

A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.

I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…

@lmegordon

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.