Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
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Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”