Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
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If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem