Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
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Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
house sitting!
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING