Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

How funny!

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!

dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-

frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*

dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend