[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
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You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.