Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
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Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions