@TheFakeCNN

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

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@urgeekisshowing

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

@VerifiedDrunk

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

@WilliamAder

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

@BuckyIsotope

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

@thepaulasuzanne

Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

@KonaSlater

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

@cepheusjackson

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

@KatMcSnatch

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

@bobvulfov

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”