Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

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That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.


Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend


Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.


If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.


Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.


Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly


ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!


My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”


FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”