@TheFakeCNN
@urgeekisshowing That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
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@urgeekisshowing 
@VerifiedDrunk Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
@WilliamAder Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
@BuckyIsotope If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
@Mr_Mike_Clarke #DesignFail
@thepaulasuzanne Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
@KonaSlater Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
@cepheusjackson ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
@KatMcSnatch My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
@bobvulfov FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”