Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
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6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances