Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

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I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.


My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.


If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?


I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…


Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.


Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.


Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean


Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet


[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*