@kolchak

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

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@nerdamage

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

@SondraDeeMe

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

@HollyMemphis

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

@MrsGoose69

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

@SwirlySkittles

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

@yoyoha

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

@nettie0918

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

@DurtMcHurtt

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*