Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
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I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.