Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
You Might Also Like
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
the three branches of government
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.