Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
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Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
What the hell happened here.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
A wise man once said nothing.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”