Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
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Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey