Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
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Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Noah was an idiot.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on