[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
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netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Seductively sings in Klingon.