Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
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“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
handsome & gretel
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Bruh PLEASE