KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
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gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
These dogs look like they have good credit.