KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: damn ur good

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me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?


When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……


I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this


(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?


I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.


Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.


When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.


I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.


ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant