KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
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when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
#ProTip
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do