kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
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Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Me too door. Me too.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf