Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
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Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
It be like that sometimes 😆
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?