Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
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*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
wife: what鈥檚 bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you鈥檙e doing??
I鈥檓 not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What鈥檚 the blender for?
Me: I just told you
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
So the ex texted me
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs馃檧
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Me: I鈥檓 really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That鈥檚 how hard dating is holy shit
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.