Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
You Might Also Like
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.